I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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