How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
