when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
