i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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