Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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