Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
