What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
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