So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
