my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
