I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
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