...so i touched it.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
