Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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