you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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