roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
