Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
