it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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