Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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