We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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