I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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