he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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