Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
