Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Someone shattered a urinal.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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