i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
