I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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