You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
