Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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