Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
