i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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