So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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