I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
