Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I still have a little drunk in my system
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
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