I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
