So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
