You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
this beer tastes like vomit already
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Randomize
