So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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