There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
