I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
People in love make me want to vomit
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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