I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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