I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.