Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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