he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
