Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
