i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Who died my cat blue again?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
