Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
