It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
