My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You have to summon your inner elephant
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
