i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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