you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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