her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You need a sexual gate keeper
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
