There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
