at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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