Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
