An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Randomize
