Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
