Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
