My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
