Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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