The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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